Castle Bisset

APRIL 11, 2019

In today's House Of Humoronics

Tim Conway's Elephant Story
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Through The Valley

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Sir Joseph's Secret Passageway


Last Sunday I, my wife and my brother went out for dinner. After I dropped off Dan I took Laura home and then told her I was going to get gas in the car. It was at the gas station I was attacked ... but I survived without physical injury.

It soared past me like a crazed bumblebee. “What is that?” I thought. I had just finished pumping gas and was climbing back into my car. Before I could close the door, a monstrous butterfly flew in behind me and executed a ten-point landing on the armrest between seats. I know it is silly but I have always feared butterflies. People tell me they are harmless but I think their beauty is just a ploy to get close to you and bite you.

“That’s the biggest butterfly I’ve ever seen,” I thought. No way am I closing the door with that thing in my car…”Shoo!” The butterfly was oblivious to me. “Look, I don’t take hitchhikers!” I told it. But it didn’t leave.

I climbed out, leaving the car door open. Maybe it simply needed a bit of gentle encouragement to direct it to the door. I couldn’t bring myself to touch it. Of course, I couldn’t find a thing in the car to swat it with except that day's church bulletin. I attempted to nudge it toward the open door, but it only moved to a spot further away from me where I couldn’t reach it.

“I’ll open the back door and maybe it will fly out. Get, bug!” It bared its fangs at me. Okay, maybe it was antenna, but it sure looked like fangs.

I went to the passenger door and opened it, the better to swat at the bug. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to kill it, just to get rid of it. The church bulletin was a pretty flimsy weapon, but I nudged it again. Apparently, it was not impressed by the schedule of upcoming church events, because it still refused to leave.

“This is getting ridiculous!” It must like red cars. Why else would anyone prefer to drive instead of flying? I briefly considered throwing it the car keys, and saying, “Take it, the tank is full.” No one will ever believe I was carjacked by a butterfly with a fear of flying.

I was beginning to get that helpless feeling that I hate, but tried to devise a plan. Tear gas? Mace? 911? I don’t think so. About that time a knight in shinning armor came out of the gas station. Okay, it was only a guy in a T-shirt and jeans who had paid for his gas and was headed for his pickup truck. Who says knights have to wear armor these days?

I appealed to his macho side. “Are you afraid of bugs?” I yelled around the gas pump.

He looked at me dumbly, and shook his head “no.” Big mistake.

“Would you mind getting this bug out of my car?” I asked, not mentioning that a butterfly the size of Count Dracula was lurking behind the passenger seat.

He came over to investigate, armor clinking. Apparently the butterfly, moth, or whatever it was, sensed I was bringing in reinforcements and decided to retreat. With a swish and flutter of wings, it suddenly took flight and shot out the door right past Lancelot’s face. He ducked and we watched in wonder as the bug did a hammerhead and several double loops before it streaked away into the wild blue yonder. I half expected it to leave a trail of smoke behind.

“Well, guess you don’t have to do anything after all” I said. He seemed relieved to be excused from duty.

I quickly slammed my car doors and sped away, keeping an eye on the rear view mirror for a butterfly with fangs coming up behind me at 80 mph. So far that is the last I’ve seen of the thing, though.

The butterfly is probably back at the cocoon right now telling his mate what a bad day he had and how he is late getting home from work because he accidentally flew into the car of a crazy old man who assaulted him with a church bulletin.

Sir Joseph

Castle Bisset Editor

Famous People Editor


Contributions to today's Castle Bisset have been made by:
Sara in New Mexico
Glenn in Texas
Amy Boucher Pye

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